I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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