I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
