I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
