I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
