woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
