woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
