I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
