Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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