I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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