I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
