do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
