it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
A bitchslap is in order.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
