I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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