Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
