Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
