4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
