I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
