I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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