Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
