Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
