She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
