I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
