I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
