i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
