Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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