I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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