I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
