The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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