Don't make out with my wife yet
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
