i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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