I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
