no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
