i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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