There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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