i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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