he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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