Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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