I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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