How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
