i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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