I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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