There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we're making bets on your personal life
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
