i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
