They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
