Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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