if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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