She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
