Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
