Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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