Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
